The Birth Of My Rainbow Baby

I'm going to start off by saying that a couple months before we discovered that I wasn't really dying (thanks WebMd) but I was indeed pregnant, I had went to a "women's specialist". They so blatantly told me that the likelihood of me conceiving without any sort of hormone treatment would  be very improbable. The universe had a big f@#% you to them and their "professional opinion". So you could imagine that the news of this pregnancy came with a flood of emotions. 

Fast forward a bit, pregnancy was perfect! Up until about 35 weeks when the contractions started. Biggest pain in my ass! Having constant contraction every 3 mins was great. They slowed them down once but after awhile I got the "any day now" or "I think this is our last visit" .... it seemed like it never was, baby bug was snuggled in tight!

It was 12 AM on the 15th of April, 40 weeks and 5 days, I had been contracting like usual but they had been getting stronger and stronger. Matt (husband) was convinced it was real labor this time. I knew it was but I didn't want to go till my water broke... I lost that battle.

I was admitted at 2:30 AM, at 1.5 cm dilated. I knew I was in for a long tiring journey. With rough contractions every 1-3 mins , I had not dilated any further. At 7:15 AM, I painfully agreed to allow my midwife to break my water. Immediately the contractions worsened. An hour later at only 2.5 cm and laboring in the tub, my pain became unbearable. My non medicated birth seemed like a fool's dream with my contractions now coming every 45 seconds. So at 9:15 AM. I tapped out and got an epidural.  The epidural faded out rather quickly. So when it was time to push (6:30 PM) I felt it ALL!! Baby Bug kept turning, so a doctor would come in,  push him back up and turn him. I had to start from square one again and again.  This went on for around 2 hours, until it started to get dangerous for the baby to stay in any longer. I was hauled off to have a C-sections. 

They pumped me full of more drugs and begun the procedure. I could feel everything but the sharpness of the scalpel. It was so much worse than anything I had every felt. Through my screams I heard Matt say "There's so much blood." with a rather concerned look on his face. Little did we know that my uterus had "fused" itself via scar tissue to my other organs. As the doctor chopped through all the mess he was able to pull baby bug out. I remember Matt saying "He's out!!" and then it was quiet. I looked at him and asked "Why isn't he crying?", he didn't say anything. I said it again- much louder. He still wasn't answering me. So I screamed it and his eyes were filling up with tears, he then said "They just need to clear out the fluid." He didn't seem so confident in that answer, so I kept screaming " Why isn't my baby crying?" till someone answered me. My midwife finally said "Your baby isn't breathing, they are trying to resuscitate him. He's going to be just fine." My mind went blank, my heart started pounding, and I felt like I couldn't breath. My baby wasn't breathing- I kept playing those words over and over again in my head.  How could this happen? Why would this happen? It felt like hours had gone by when Matt said "They have a breathing tube in him. He's good!" I told him to follow him, to not ever leave him. He kissed my head and let go of my hand. I was still having the scar tissue removed.  I was losing a lot of blood, the anesthesiologist held my hand while I cried. He kept saying "You're fine, You're baby is fine and so chubby. It's almost over." Not long after that I blacked out. I woke up to being wheeled out of the operating room and into mine. Matt came in and told me that our baby is on a respirator and is going to be life flighted to another hospital. I didn't know what to think, say or do.  I have not held my baby, I have not seen my baby, but he's alive and that's all that truly mattered.

I'm not exactly sure how long it had been when a doctor finally came in and told me everything that was going on. My baby had inhaled meconium sometime during labor/birth and that's why he wasn't able to breath. That he's going to spend some time in the NICU since he now has an infection and still needs help to breath. Matt asked if I could see our baby before they took him. I was still bleeding and was just chopped to bits so they wheeled him to me. When I first saw him- my heart broke, he had so many tubes and wires around him in his clear little box. I couldn't help but blame myself for putting him there. I wasn't allowed to hold him let alone touch him but I had to. I placed my hand on his chubby little arm. I told him how much I loved him and that I am so proud of him. I then told him his name- Jude Wrigley. I got to see him for a whole 4 mins before they had to take him.

Day 1 in the NICU was hard. I was still in an entirely different hospital- a town away; not knowing if he was going to be okay. Matt did go with him but I needed to be there; I am his mother. They had sedated him since he kept fighting the tubes and put him on an oscillator to help his little lungs breath. Day 4 - Jude was extubated and breathing on his own! It was a little easier to see him. I still felt I was to blame for him being there. Day 5- I was finally able to hold him. I've never felt such peace as I gazed at this perfect tiny human. It was extremely hard to leave him after spending the day snuggling. Day 8 in the NICU and we were finally able to take him home. My miracle rainbow baby is a fighter. He is doing so well despite his rocky start into this world. I definitely did not complain about the lack of sleep but rather rejoiced in the fact that I had a baby to keep me up all night.