Our journey I suppose began January 7th when we took the plunge and decided we were absolutely ready for another baby. After months of debating we landed on the ultimate "yes this needs to happen" . It didn't take long to get that positive pregnancy test. I'll never forget that overwhelming feeling of seeing those beautiful two pink lines. I cried in disbelief. It was to perfect, to good to be true and little did I know it was...
During this pregnancy I was more sick than I had ever been with my first. Throwing up every day, feeling like I could fall asleep walking, never feeling like I've eaten enough, excruciating migraines. Even so, I still was uber excited. Nothing and I mean nothing was going to ruin that feeling. So I'd puke on myself because I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time, so what, small price for the ultimate blessing.
As the weeks went on I began to feel as though something was wrong. No one, not even my midwife believed me. It was chalked up to a "mom thing". It wasn't till the week after my 23rd birthday when shit hit the fan. It started with cramping, which we thought was do to dehydration. I never drank enough water. (I think the amount of water you are told to drink in a day is unrealistic) I later started spotting, that frightened me. I rushed to my midwife and she told me everything was normal. I didn't for one second believe her but I went home and dealt with it. A few days passed and the bleeding increased, my husband rushed me to the hospital. They checked, double checked even triple check; all their freting was making me nervious. Then they gave us the news. We had lost our sweet baby. I couldn't hold back the tears, my heart literally hurt. I felt empty, and then I heard my son say "mama", In that moment I needed to be strong, for him. I know he's still to young to understand what had happened but he knew I was hurting bad. I couldn't do that to him.
Some time has passed since that horrid day and it still feels unreal. I don't officially understand why something like this had to happen to us but in time I'm sure I will. I just need to keep telling myself that it hurts because it matters and it's important to acknowledge that.
"You were not a 'lost pregnancy' or a 'stillbirth' as some may have described you. You were not a sad thing that happened to us or a tragic circumstances.
YOU WERE A BABY
MY BABY, OUR BABY
a human being
and you still are"
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