Today, October 9, 2015 is the day I was told my sweet Ainsley would be born. I've been dreading this day since the moment she left. As the months, weeks and days got closer I begun to lose myself again. I cant let go of the image of what my life would be if it all went the way it should have. Would she have been born before her due date like her brother? Who would her squishy little face look more like? Would Parker have loved being a big brother? I have so many questions that will go painfully unanswered but I cant help but wonder all the same because I didn't just loss a baby, I lost a lifetime; filled with first steps, first word, birthdays, first day of school, cheesy holiday traditions, picky eater battles, sibling fights, questionable clothing choices, typical teenage attitudes and so much more. I'll never know what kind of person she would have been or who shed grow up to become.
Its truly unfair to be gifted the miracle of life and bond with the baby that is literally being made from scratch. Go through the joys for pregnancy and all its glory. Pick out names, prepare for the birth, and even start on the nursery; just to be told that your baby; who you've wished for, planned for, and unconditionally love; is no longer going to be joining our family.
I'm obviously still grieving and I imagine I will be for the reminder of my life. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this "new normal". It's extremely difficult to move forward; accept that she lived even though it was a short life. I constantly feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean; the water is calm, I'm afloat and then a 100ft wave comes crashing down out of nowhere. The currant is pulling me further out, another wave comes pounding down, I just hold my breath as best as I can and hope the pounding these waves are doing will ease up at least for a moment so I can come up for air.
Ainsley, you will always be my little
butterfly. I loved you from the moment your daddy told me I was pregnant. You were no more than 3 weeks into the wonders of being created. I immediately started planning ever little detail to not only your arrival but the rest of your life. Items were bought, nursery appropriate canvas were painted. I even decided on an all natural home birth. Which I was super pumped for. I read books and watch documentaries on what to expect so mental I was ready. I also didn't allow any toxins in our body. I got horrible nausea and I went the natural route with that and every other joyous pregnancy symptom. I even started to teach Parker how to behave around babies. So pretty much give a kiss and a deathly bear hug; it was progress. Months went by, a problem accrued and I knew this was it. And just like that you gained your wings. I cant imagine what the journey was like for you. Going from your mama who you spent your entire existence with to an entirely new strange place where you don't hear the beating of my heart and your brother screaming the language of his people. I miss you Ainsley, and I love you so very much my little butterfly.
"I love you with every piece of me. I will love and love and love until I have nothing left and then I will make more out of the nothing that lives were everything once did. I would dismantle me to put you back together again."
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