I'll Never Forget The Moment Your Heart Stopped And Mine Kept Beating

It's been a little over a week and I still feel so numb. I know this pain I'm feeling won't last forever; that this sadness is just a tunneled passage way to calming accepting place. Oh man am I ready to be there. I just don't feel like the mother I need to be for my son. Like some sort of zombie dwelling on a love that I've lost. I don't ever want my little bear to think or feel as if the baby we lost meant more to us then him. That's just not the case at all; but I feel that way. Since I'm not as cheery, or mothering, or even as hands on as I was.

Yesterday  was arts and crafts day for us and I painted a very dark painting. After it dried I placed it in my room; I sat there and cried, and mumbled repeatedly "take me with you" and then I heard my sweet baby boy say "mama, car" in his most concerned  voice I have ever heard; and handed me his milk cup, with a cheesy smile on his face. I knew I needed to survive, if it wasn't for little bear, I'd chose not to. He's the reason I wake up every morning. The reason I have a guilty smile on my face. (I say guilty  because I feel guilty for ever having a happy moment; but that kid just knows how to cheer me up) I don't know how he automatically knows when I'm feeling down but he always comes and finds me to stop the tears. I appreciate my toddler more, for surviving my hostile uterus, for being my light.

 

I always knew I was made to be a mother. It was something I always wanted and dreamed for. I planned on when I found someone as loving and committed as I was to family, we would begin our own. I just didn't plan on having a baby with wings being in my future. I don't think anyone does. It's just something that happens and you figure out how to continue on. I'm still trying to figure that part out. 

I currently feel empty, inadequate, broken and more. I feel as though I as robbed of an even more beautiful future. I feel as if there was something I did wrong that caused this all to happen. I feel as though I'm being punished for something I've done. Or maybe that I didn't deserve  such a child. 

It's been a little over a week and I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating but I feel as though a big chunk of my soul has been ripped out. As of now I'm in a stand still, life is moving on without me; and I'm learning to be okay with it.

 

 

"My child left behind broken hearts and happy memories too but I never wanted just memories I only wanted you"